I am very sorry it has taken me so long to write the next Hipster Neville installment. I actually reread book three over a week and a half ago, but I’ve been a very busy lady: playing host to some friends, visiting museums, dying of heat exhaustion several times over, writing to my pen-pal, studying up on Hanson’s discography, getting hooked on a new Korean drama and even doing work on occasion. Then, there’s my new boyfriend, Ján Mucha, who is a terrifying Slovakian man. I call him Slovak for short, and because I can’t remember his real name from one minute to the next. He may also be a vampire if his proclivity to hide from sunlight is any indication. My very own Slovakian Edward Cullen! Here is a picture of him with my other new boyfriend, Cartoon Vanilla Ice:
Now, you’re probably thinking, “two new boyfriends, Alix? You fictional slut!” I know! I’m kind of a serial polygamist in that respect. I tend to juggle several fake relationships at once. And since Glee has officially jumped the shark, a couple new spots have opened up. (Sorry Darren and Other Asian! Would this be a good time to mention that we’re breaking up?) But of course the best place on my imaginary boyfriend shelf will always be reserved for my one true love,
Mr. Darcy Gilbert Blythe Neville Longbottom.
Y’all, I don’t want to spoil anything if you haven’t see Neville Longbottom and the Sword of Gryffindor yet, but let me just say that fair isle cardigans have never looked so sexy. I went to a midnight showing with CS, to which we didn’t have tickets until about 8:30pm the day of. I set up a craigslist notification on my phone, and while I was on my way to dinner, I literally stopped in the middle of the street in Dupont Circle to respond to a posting for tickets. This scheme also involved me sending the shadiest text message of my life that went something like, “I need you to get some cash, call this number, and meet a girl in Chinatown immediately.” But it was totally worth almost getting hit by a car to participate in my first (and regrettably last!) Harry Potter Midnight Experience and join the whole theater in raucous applause for “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!”
But I’m getting ahead of myself. We’re only in the third year of Neville’s journey through Hogwarts! During the first two years, Neville maintained his cool factor despite being a perpetual punching bag for the rest of the school (haters gonna hate!) and started a really sweet rock group that’s way too underground for you. Unfortunately, Justin Finch Fletchley ate all his bandmates at then end of last semester, so we’re back to square one for 8th grade.
So how did Neville do this year? The good news is that he shows up in more than six sentences in this book. The bad news? We’ll see how well I can spin this…
Neville Longbottom and the Klepto Cat
Dude, the weirdest thing happened to me the other day. Gran and I were headed to Diagon Alley via Knight bus (floo powder makes her queasy), and when they asked our names, this creepy guy with a monster case of acne kept insisting that I was lying. “‘Choo talkin’ about? I know Neville an’ you int him. Neville is ‘arry Potter’s name.” He kept asking what I was really called until Gran finally hexed him to shut him up. Thank God I’m not a complete fuck up like that guy. He’s the kind of moron who would join the Death Eaters just because You-Know-Who promised he’d make him a flying tricycle. I’d better focus a little more on my studies this year or I could end up as the crazy person harassing children on the bus.
Unfortunately, I think I might have some residual memory problems from that time my uncle dropped me out a window. I keep forgetting things. Gran got really pissed when I lost my booklist. I don’t know what happened to it! It was in my pocket when I went to buy some Magical Toad Serum in the pet store, and now it’s gone. I also saw Granger in there buying the world’s ugliest cat. Like this thing is possibly unloveable. And people make fun of me for Trevor.
The Hogwarts Express was way more exciting this year since there’s an escaped magical mass murderer named Sirius Black on the lamb. I was just getting to the end of the On the Road when the train stopped and all the lights went off. I went into Harry’s compartment to see if they knew what was up, but it was dark in there too and I sat on Hermione’s cat by mistake. Then, the Azkaban guards appeared to look for Black and it got really cold and depressing until this homeless guy shot silvery stuff at them and gave us some chocolate. I guess he’s our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher! I feel a little better about my future prospects, because even if I end up like that weirdo on the Knight Bus, Dumbledore will probably still hire me as the DADA professor. Dude is desperate! But in the kerfuffle, I misplaced my copy of On the Road. Now how will I ever find out what happens!?
As it turns out, the homeless guy is not a bad teacher! The first day of class was pretty intimidating. I’d just come from Potions class, where Snape threatened Trevor with my crappy potion and then took points away when Hermione helped me fix it. (side note: damn! that girl’s taking a lot of classes! How is that even possible?) Before that, Professor Trelawney kept predicting my failure in Divination. It was not exactly a stellar day. And then Professor Lupin called on me to battle a boggart, even though we’ve learned approximately nothing in two years of DADA classes. But guess what?! I was awesome! The boggart came out as scary-as-hell Professor Snape, but I imagined him in Gran’s clothes and it was both hilarious and disturbing! Ten points to Gryffindor! This almost as good as the time I won the house cu–Hey! is that Hermione’s cat reading my copy of On the Road? Wait a minute, cats can’t read!
I think I’m starting to lose it. I thought I saw that cat walking around with my Hogsmeade permission slip last week, too, but Gran sent a copy directly to professor McGonagall. Lucky, too, because security’s much tighter now with Black on the loose. Harry has to stay home with the first and second years cause his uncle didn’t sign his form. Sucks. Butterbeer is awesome.
Despite all the security, Sirius Black showed up at the castle last night and tried to get into Gryffindor tower. He slashed through the Fat Lady’s portrait when he didn’t know the password, and now she’s been temporarily replaced by a painting of Sir Cadogan the Useless and his Fat Pony. It’s really difficult to get into the common room now because he keeps challenging everyone to duels and changing the password every five seconds.
Meanwhile, my memory is getting worse, as is my sanity. My remembrall disappeared, and I could have sworn I saw Hermione’s cat petting it like Gollum in the corner. I started making lists of everything to help me remember stuff, but those have been disappearing too. Then I thought I saw the cat hanging out with a dog the size of a pony over by the whomping willow, but that can’t be right either. I also keep imagining seeing Hermione in two places at once lately. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe it’s because Snape is being extra scary lately and I’m really stressed. He started taking over DADA classes once a month whenever Lupin wanders off mysteriously, and this time he assigned us two whole rolls of parchment on werewolves!!! We’re not supposed to study those for ages! I’ll never finish this work and I’m totally going to end up like that weirdo from the Knight Bus!!!
Holy crap! Sirius Black is back! IN OUR FREAKING DORM ROOM! Ron woke up the other night with him standing over him with a giant knife! Turns out he somehow got hold of my missing list of passwords and Sir Cadogan let him in. Great. Now even McGonagall is against me and the other Gryffindors have been forbidden from giving me the password. I just have to wait outside every night for someone to let me in. Don’t mind me if Sirius Black comes looking to kill random students again! I’ll just be sitting out here in corridor, easy prey!
The year finished as it always does. Me: social leper. Harry, Ron and Hermione: some crazy shenanigans way beyond the magical ability of third years that involve several near death experiences and Sirius Black escaping via hippogriff. Miraculously, no one dies or has their soul sucked out. None of it really makes sense.
But what DOES make sense is that I TOTALLY CAUGHT HERMIONE’S CAT STEALING MY ENCHANTED DOCTOR WHO NEEDLEPOINT GUITAR PICK HOLDER I BOUGHT ON WIZARD ETSY! That damn cat has been stealing my stuff all year and I AM NOT A CRAZY PERSON! Maybe I won’t end up like that weirdo on the Knight Bus after all!
Most Badass Moment of the Book
Obviously the boggart scene. Despite being constantly bullied and threatened by Snape, even in front of other teachers, Neville still manages to finish off the boggart with the help of his gran’s stuffed vulture hat (scary in itself). That pansy Harry can’t even try to fight a boggart because he’s too busy convulsing and hearing his dead mother’s screams in his head.
#1 Reason Neville is Cooler than You
Neville gets some some automatic cool-by-association points from his grandmother. Anyone who can pull off that hat is fierce.