Hello again, folks! When we last left off, we’d just finished Neville’s first year at Hogwarts, or a year of being shat upon by the entire school, including his so-called “friends” Harry, Ron and Hermione. I guess they must be jealous of Neville’s inherent coolness! Let’s see where year two takes us!
Neville Longbottom and the Mandragora
It’s year two and I’m back at Hogwarts! I am laying low this year because I couldn’t handle all of Harry & Co’s shenanigans last term. It’s only five minutes into the back-to-school feast when Harry and Ron fly a car into a belligerent tree instead of arriving by train. Those two are shining examples of how to make good life choices.
Our dreaded classes have begun again. Remember last year when I said Snape was the worst teacher ever? I was wrong. Since Harry offed our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher last year, we got a new one in the form of celebrated author Gilderoy Lockhart. Only, I think he pathologically lied on his resume because it’s painfully clear that even I would be more qualified to teach this class. The first day, he let a cage full of pixies loose in the room. I ended up falling from the chandelier.
But there’s always Herbology. The only downside is that we have class with the Hufflepuffs. Justin Finch-Fletchley suuuuckkkks. He tried to name-drop Eton last week. Um, Hogwarts is the coolest school in the universe,* Justin. No one here has ever heard of Eton, and if they had, they wouldn’t be impressed. But apart from having to listen to him and Ernie MacMillan compete for gold in the Tool Olympics, Herbology is awesome. We’re working in greenhouse 3 this year, which is where they keep all the good stuff. I’ve been hanging out there a lot, especially since I formed my new band, Neville and the Mandrakes. We’re pretty underground; no one can listen to our music or they’ll die. I haven’t even heard any of our songs.
Back at the castle, weird shit has been going down. Filch’s cat was petrified, followed by some dopey first year with a camera, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Nearly Headless Nick. But that’s just a normal Tuesday at Hogwarts. The strange part is that Harry, Ron and Hermione have been spending all their free time in an abandoned girls’ bathroom, hanging around with ghosts. And Ron is not the only Weasley off his rocker–his little sister keeps wandering around covered in chicken blood and writing in her diary like some sad, friendless emo girl who also happens to torture animals in her free time.
The story behind all the petrifications is that some secret room in Hogwarts has a 1000 year old monster in it that’s trying to purge the school of muggle-borns. Everyone is freaking out and rounding up protective talismans to ward of the unspecified monster. Harry made fun of me for buying a pointy crystal, an evil onion and a newt’s tail because I’m a pure-blood and shouldn’t have anything to worry about. I was too embarrassed to tell him that the real reason is that I have an addiction to Wizard Etsy. I nearly bought a purple denim fanny-pack with an undetectable extendability charm the other day, before I remembered that fanny-packs are never not a terrible idea.**
Since Harry and his friends do nothing but attract trouble, right as we were about to win the the Quidditch cup for the first time in about a billion years, Granger and Percy Weasley’s sad-sack girlfriend were attacked by the unnamed monster. School really started to suck after that–Dumbledore got fired, we have to be escorted to all our classes, and curfew is 6pm. I can’t even go to band practice anymore, but we still have exams because McGonagall is a sadist!
And all the curfews were for naught, because Ginny Weasley ended up in the Chamber of Secrets anyway. I guess she was being possessed by Voldemort this whole time and no one noticed? As usual, there was no one more competent around than a 12 year old wizard to save the day, and then everyone was happy. Everyone but me, because Madame Pomfrey cut up my band mates to feed to Justin Finch-Fletchley. I’ll need to be finding a new hobby next year.
I gotta hand it to Ginny Weasley, though. Getting possessed and almost murdered by Voldemort was a necessary sacrifice for exams to be canceled.
*Second coolest. +1 Pigfarts
**Actual roommate bought actual non-magical product off Non-Wizard Etsy this week. If you see a diminutive sandy-haired woman tooling around the District with aforementioned fanny-pack, please confiscate it and light it on fire for the good of society.
Most Badass Moment of the Book
I’ll be honest here. Neville was only in approximately six sentences of this entire book, and in one of those, he got strung up on a chandelier by some pixies. But for argument’s sake, let’s assume that he was pulling extra hours in the Herbology lab helping to cultivate the mandrakes, thereby ensuring the revival of Hermione, Colin Creevey, Penelope Clearwater, Mrs. Norris, Nearly Headless Nick and (regrettably) Justin Finch-Fletchley. Neville saves the day once again!
#1 Reason Neville Is Cooler Than You
I tried really hard to come up with something from the actual book, but I didn’t have a lot to work with. When he does show up, he mostly just says things like, “Hey Harry! Someone broke into our room!” and that’s the end of the scene for Neville. So we’ll just have use our imaginations here:
|Apologies for my lackluster photoshop effort.|
UPDATE: Year 3