Hi there people of DC! We may have a government shutdown on our hands! Now, as a resident of the District of Columbia, I am affected by this shutdown (if you would like to see a handy-dandy list what will happen, Washington Post has a thorough article). Luckily for me, I work in the non-profit sector and so being barred from coming to work is not one ways I’ll be affected, but the same cannot be said for many of my friends and fellow residents who are government workers or contractors. So here’s a special message from me to Congress:
So your rent’s due soon? So you have a mortgage and kids? Student Loans? Medical Bills? Groceries? Sorry you won’t get paid! But aren’t you tired of seeing lists of what you won’t be able to do during a government shutdown? Time to turn the tables! Now that you have all this extra free time and no $$ on your hands, I’ve compiled a list of things that you can do while you’re furloughed!
- Read! You know you’ve been meaning to read that book series and now you finally have the time!
Saunter down to your public libraryOrganize a book swap with friends and coworkers. Just make sure you don’t use government email or phones to contact them, cause that’s illegal!
- Volunteer! There’s lot’s of things we need help with around D.C. How about starting with fixing the escalators in the Metro system?
- Sell your organs on the black market! You need to make money some how. Keep in mind, though, that all police are essential personnel, so sell at your own risk. Also, NIH studies are apparently still a go, so maybe you can sell your organs more legally there.
- Extreme Parking! Parking enforcement has been deemed non-essential, so Mayor Gray has stated that you can “park with impunity” during this shutdown. Of course, if you are really bad, you’ll get cited by the police, so get your friends together and see who can park the most ridiculously and get away with it. Parking in the wrong zone? Small potatoes. Parking in a bus lane next to a fire hydrant halfway on the sidewalk of the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue? That’s a real challenge. You get bonus points for parking in a Black Lincoln Navigator (with a moonroof and black interior, obvi).
- Be a tourist in your own city! You never get a chance to go see the sights of our Nation’s Capital! And this is kind of like a staycation, right? Here’s your opportunity to
explore the National Galleries visit the Smithsonians hike in a National Park check out plants in the Botanic Gardens tour the National Archives see some National Monumentsgo to a public park!
- Spring Cleaning! It’s time to clean out the refrigerator, do your laundry, and put your winter clothes up in the attic. Just remember, there’s no trash pick-up, but Speaker of the House John Boehner will be happy to take it off your hands for you!
- Go to the Cherry Blossom Parade! Because for some reason, that’s not canceled even though trash collection is.
- Finish Your Taxes! No worries, the IRS is still working! Sort of… you might not get your refund any time soon if you file on paper.
- Jury Duty! Been summonsed lately? Good news! You still get to go.
- Giant Settlers of Catan! I know you’re all nerds out there. Contact your fellow furloughed friends and bring all your copies of the board together. Arrange pieces to be a geographically accurate depiction of the earth and see who becomes the first empire! It’s like Risk, but with more sheep.
- Send disgruntled letters to your Congressperson! Wait, you’re a resident of DC? Oh right! You don’t have federal legislative representation! Too bad for you. I guess you could take out your anger on Lionsgate instead?